JUST LIKE CANDY

If Alicia Keys didn't look absolutely delicious on Letterman last night, then my name is NOT Max-El.



Lawd have mercy.

Just gimme 3 minutes. Maybe even fo'...

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THE COME-UP

Wow. Dude just impressed me for the second time ever.

So Nelly, Murphy Lee and Consequence are in the booth, right? Initially I'm thinkin', "aww shit, this nigga Cons is about to smash these muhfuckas. Murph is decent, but Nelly -- nah."

When it comes to the music, I've never been big on Nelly. All that sing-songy, "thurr," "hurr," "err-wurr" shit gets on my fuckin' nerves to this day. And I hate when the nigga makes his voice go in and out like he's goin' through puberty or somethin'. He already aint talkin' about much, and that shit just compounds the problem and makes it unbearable.

I respect the dude as a man and businessman, but I've never fucked with him musically. Except for "#1". Lyrically, that's still the best Nelly record I've ever heard -- even though he's still on that aforementioned "puberty-voice" shit.

Anyway, I'm expecting Nelly to get in the booth and start singin' to Ashanti or some other wack shit, but dude actually goes in. He's even CURSING and doin' a little gun talk! It's gangsta rap from NELLY!

Needless to say, I was shocked.

Not only does he spit a few clever lines, he actually uses his real voice! Can you believe that shit? And all the niggas are enthusiastic. That's dope.

I like to see a nigga just spit. Fuck all that usin' funny voices shit (a la Lil' Wayne and post-Eminem Show Slim Shady) and all the corny gimmicks -- just get up there and kick that shit. That's Hip-Hop.

And seeing Nelly spittin' hard was surprising enough for me to post this video. Shit, KRS even gave Nelly props recently.

Is he turnin' over a new leaf? Is this a new Nelly? Check it:



Yeah, niggas are in the booth kickin' some written shit -- which I think should be outlawed -- but I'll give 'em a pass this time 'cause it was entertaining.

If Nelly can come back from his hiatus with his spit game turned up a few notches, I just know Eminem's is gon' be outrageous.

At least I hope so. Read more on this article...

NEW NAS!!

Here's the first single off the nigga Nas's new album, Nigger.



Dude said "y'all niggas fake Bloods like movie makeup" and "my flows is tight like Tootie braces." That's funny.

I think the song's dope, but considering the fact that I'm a big Nas fan, I guess I'm a little biased. I can't wait to see what happens when this hits the airwaves.

Will it even hit the airwaves? Shit, the nigga says "nigger," "spic," "kike," "guinea" (Italian) and "chink" in the damn HOOK!! That'll never make the radio!! They didn't even let Michael Jackson say "kike" when he got all political on "They Don't Really Care About Us", so you know they won't let Nas say all that shit.



(How you gon' be in prison grabbin' ya dick? They woulda fucked the linin' out of Mike.)

I think the big stations are gonna be afraid of this joint right here. I'm sure you can hear it on satellite radio, though. They don't give a fuck.

You think Obama's gon' bump Nigger when it drops? I know Kramer's gon' bump that shit. "Nigger" is his favorite word.

Nas should get with Clayton Bigsby and start merchandising this "nigger" thing. Nas can package his "Nigger" album with Bigsby's "Nigger Book" and they could get piz-aid!!

Anyway, since Nas is my nigga and his second album, It Was Written, is my favorite, here's some bonus sound for you clowns:

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Street Dreams

Nas released this after 'Pac put out All Eyez On Me, and 'Pac didn't like that shit too much. Probably 'cause Nas's song is better. (yeah, I said it)


I Gave You Power

A fine example of Nasir's storytelling skills. Is this how guns really feel?


Shootouts

This shit here is just some hard spittin'. Beautiful music.


Nas Is Coming

Nas and Dr. Dre? I shouldn't have to say shit.

--------------

OK, that's it.

Bye, niggas!!

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SOUTH CENTRAL PARK

The gangstas have invaded South Park.



They went a lil' overboard with the Kanye/Will Smith thing, but that Young Dro shit is hilarious. Read more on this article...

SUCCESS

Ladies, pay attention: Erykah's got advice to assist your come-up.



I love this woman. She's dope.

Peace to illseed!

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SCHOOL BUS'

Busta tries to teach these numbskulls a thing or two.

DJ Enuff caught Mr. Woo-Hah in the streets. What resulted was a very good interview touching on his involvement in the Ramirez shooting, snitches, and what the game's young'ns need to know to acheive longevity and legitimacy.

Part 1


Part 2


If you're curious about the "ignorant" incident Enuff said he saw the video of, peep it:


And, just for good measure, here's Busta's new shit, called "Don't Touch Me (Throw Some Water On 'Em)".


If Busta's flow wasn't so fuckin' insane on this joint, I don't think I would like it too much. Kinda missed me with the beat.

"You gotta have a C.L.A.A.M.P. on the game: Concepts, Lyrics, Attitude, Appearance Music and Performance. If you aint got all that, you aint no real, well-rounded artist!!" -- PREEACH!!

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ANTE UP

The MOP just hit the league and she heard that you haven't been paying attention.

She's here to collect.

As you can tell by the big, cheesy-ass smile on the white lady's face, the LA Sparks and WNBA in general are very, very happy to have Candace Parker. After 11 years of being practically ignored by every-damn-body except little girls and me -- yeah, I watch the WNBA from time to time, so what? (Deanna Nolan got GAME!) -- people close to the league seem to think that Ms. Parker is just what they need to draw some much-wanted attention to the ladies' game. And I agree.

Now Candace aint about to put the softleg league on the same level as the NBA, but she can be their Lebron James/Carmelo Anthony-type.

She's been damn-near a household name in the basketball world since "winning" the dunk contest at the McDonald's High School All-American Game in 2004 (she really only won due to shock and nostalgic value); then she hit UT, kilt and murda'd the Women's NCAA by winning all the individual trophies and, more importantly, leading the team to back-to-back chips.

Now she's a pro and easily the most marketable player in the WNBA. She's got crazy mad skills, she's well-spoken, and, most importantly (in terms of marketing, that is), she doesn't look like a fuckin' man like them other dike-lookin' WNBA bitches.

Harsh? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

Y'all know damn well the majority of players in the WNBA fall into one of two categories:

LLWs (Long, Lanky Weirdos)...

Lisa Leslie, LA Sparks

...or BMBs (Big, Man-Beasts)

Cheryl Ford, Detroit Shock

Candace is a new breed. A cutie-pie with game. She was even on the "cute" side of Don Imus' "nappy-headed hoes" comment.

She even looks good on-court while all sweaty and shit. Who else does that?

In case you can't tell, this post is dedicated to Ms. Parker. I'm anticipating watching her pro career unfold - will she become the WNBA's first superstar/media darling or just another chick with game (a la Chamique Holdsclaw)? And will she be better than Super Cooper?

It's just too bad the WNBA is a bum-ass league as far as the pay goes. Base salary for a number one WNBA pick is a paltry $44,064, compared to about $4 million for their NBA counterpart (but they still make more than D-League niggas). To understand it even better, look at it this way: Candace's brother Anthony will make $4.35 million from the Toronto Raptors this season. The WNBA salary cap is $772,000. The nigga could pay the Sparks' entire payroll and not even really feel it.

That's fucked up. I wanna see how much Ms. Parker can generate for herself and the league.

I know, I know -- you don't care. But as I've said before, this is MY blog, so those who aren't amused can kiss my ass. Now on with the tribute:

Nigga shit: "I make sure my hair is done and my baby hairs are gelled down!"

"I'm so good, it's funny."

No nappy-headed hoes over here.  These hoes' hair is straight!

We the best... again.


This is her man, Shelden Williams. (Nobody's perfect.)

VIDEO:

Prime Time:



Pokin' on Hoes:


"Don't bring that weak shit in here!":


Dunk-Off with Michelle Snow:


(Who is Michelle Snow, you ask? The only girl I've ever seen dunk with two hands during a game):

Parting Shot:

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NO WHITE PEOPLE

"I don't wanna see no white people."

Alone, that phrase would have a lot of white folks screamin' reverse-racism; but when taken in context, even the whitest Whitey has gotta feel Puff.

Then again, the whitest Whitey would be, like, a super-Cracker, so he wouldn't give a fuck how much sense it made. He'd just want that nigga dead.

Anyway, peep this:




That's from some new Sean John special Puff has coming out on MTV. It's just funny to see this revelation from dude 'cause he's usually the only Black person in his ads. Think about it:








You get the idea.

He does have my young girl Lauren London on the team, but that's it.




So for a nigga claiming to be so concerned with seeing beautiful Blacks in fashion, he should probably put some in his fuckin' ads, right?

I'm not sayin' he's a hypocrite, this here is just very hypocrite-ish.

Maybe he'll turn over a new leaf and have all Blacks in his ads from now on. That would be hot. Or maybe he's just cuttin' up for TV. Who knows.

On another note: What about the big girls who wanna be fly, Puffy? Fat bitches need clothes, too! Stop discriminatin'!

Sean John BBW comin' soon!!


(Sorry, I just really wanted to post this picture.)

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I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUTTA YOU

Is there anything funnier than somebody getting slapped?

I don't think there is.

Think about it, if you went outside and saw a nigga get THE SHIT slapped out of his ass by his girl, you'd crack the fuck up.

If you've got a brother or sister, wasn't shit funnier than seeing Moms pop them in the mouth, jaw or forehead, was it? You can't even do that shit to your kids nowadays -- aint that fucked up? That's why these lil' fuckers are crazy as hell now...

But, I digress.

Anyway, the slap is an underappreciated form of expression. It's usually your first instinct when somebody pisses you off; and if you act on that instinct, everyone who witnesses it will be both amazed at your brazenness and amused by the swelling of the recipient's right and/or left cheek(s). Plus, it's authoritative. You do somethin' wrong and Mama slaps you, I bet you won't do that shit again.

Entertaining and functional? How can you not love it?

To further exhibit my affinity for the almighty slap -- and to prove to you naysayers how funny a slap is -- I'm 'bout to slap yo' stankin' ass in the face with a few slap videos. Now shut up and watch before I slap you:

This is a real-live "Slap-A-Bitch Contest". I bullshit you not.



Here's ya man Charlie muthafuckin' Murphy slappin'...


...And gettin' slapped. (Don't forget to get crunk.)



Now, in case you're unsure of how to properly lay that p-hand down on a muhfucka, let these whiteboys explain it to you. "Step in the square if you wanna do somethin'!!"

"It doesn't matter what you think!!"
Peace to jamvan2k!


Thank you for enjoying this piece of basically useless reading material. I think I'm gonna smoke one more time before bed.

Oh, and if you didn't think any of this was funny, I aint even gon' trip -- I'ma just call my lil' bodyguard. Don't even try talkin' shit, 'cause this lil' nigga don't play.

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YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER

"Look at that baby's ears then look at my ears -- aint no way that's my baby!!"

How crazy would it be if Mike Jordan ended up on Maury Povich? That shit'll never happen, but maybe it should since this Lisa Miceli chick can't seem to accept the fact that her 4-year-old ain't Mike's.

She's tryin' to Billie Jean my nigga!!

Here's a picture of this hardheaded bitch:


Now, you can't blame a woman for wanting to find the father of her child, and just 'cause Mike's one of my favorite people on Earth doesn't give him a deadbeat dad pass -- but this broad's baby aint Mike's, he even proved it with two 2005 paternity tests.

Test #1: "In the case of 4-year-old Dante Michael Miceli, Michael, you are NOT the father!!"


I guess she didn't believe the first test, 'cause Ms. Lisa demanded another.

Test #2: "In the case of 4-year-old Dante Michael Miceli, Michael, you STILL are NOT the father!!"


As if the two failed tests, the restraining order and the lawsuit weren't enough, Ms. Lisa is back for more, demanding a THIRD paternity test!!

My question is this: Muthafucka, for what? Give it up, bitch.

You know Mike denies ever having a relationship with this woman, but smart money says he's lying. Here's what probably happened:

Mike met Lisa while he was purvin' off that $1000 cognac...


...Walked up to her and said, "I'm Mike Jordan, bitch - kiss the rings."


Then he took her home with him, beat it up and put her out after he sobered up. Now she wants money.

As much fuckin' off as Mike has surely done over his years of ballin' out of control, none of his bitches has ever been able to pin their babies on him. Remember Karla Knafel?

On July 21, 2006, a Cook County, Illinois judge determined that Jordan did not owe a former lover, Karla Knafel, $5 million. Knafel claimed Jordan promised her that amount for remaining silent and agreeing not to file a paternity suit after Knafel learned she was pregnant in 1991. A DNA test showed Jordan was not the father of the child.

He keeps dodgin' these bullets, but he still parties HARD with white bitches. Here he is in Cabo San Lucas with jailbait snowbunnies:


He even got his boys into the 'bunnies.

Here's Jeff gettin' it in:




Marcus, on the other hand, would rather blow thick white smoke out of his mouth (and I aint mad at him!).


Those last few pics were just for fun, but the moral of the story is this: Ladies, if you fuck Michael Jordan, don't even TRY to get paid by saying your baby's his 'cause it aint gon' happen, cap'n.

"If my hand's in the cookie jar, know one thing: I'ma take the cookie, not leave my ring." - Jay-Z

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GANGSTA, NIGGA!!!

Guess who's thuggin' it now?

Yup, the same dude who played "Fez" on That 70s Show and came out with that garbage-ass Yo Momma shit on MTV is back and he's a fuckin' KILLA!!

I think it's funny to see Fez being a thug-ass OG. You may not think so, but this is my blog so anyone not in agreement can kiss my entire ass.



Oh, and fellas, if you thought you saw Melyssa Ford's ol' sexy ass in there, you did. Rumor has it that there's a FULLY NUDE sex scene with her and Fez.

Did you hear me?

MELYSSA FORD BUCK BALD NEKKID!!! That might be worth the price of admission...

Here's some candy:


Yes.


Yup.


Mmm-hmm.

Just thought I'd share. Peace.

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THE DREAM

April 4, 2008 marks the 40th Anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination.

Rather than get all introspective, I'll just be paying a photo tribute:

Martin and Coretta


Chuuch


"I Have A Dream"


Moving The Crowd


Martin and the President


Manhandled


Muggin'


The End


The Aftermath


For TIME Magazine's photo essay, click here.

To read one man's account of life post-MLK, click here. Read more on this article...

KNUCKLE UP

Sometimes, niggas take this rap shit too seriously.

And some niggas just don't like you all in their personal space.

Peep this. If you don't wanna watch the whole thing, just FF to the 3:50 mark.



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